I have always had a burning desire to write this book and for it to be published. This has been one of my life goals… and now it is finally achieved. Even though there has been so much heartache and pain in my life, this book is about faith and hope. Somehow, miraculously, I have always had the inner strength to keep going and not give up. I now know that this inner strength was God’s Holy Spirit guiding me. In fact, I feel that He has also guided me to write this book in the belief that it will help others.
I grew up feeling different with a deep sense of searching in my soul. I thought when I discovered alcohol and drugs that I had found what I was searching for. I was finally ‘fixed’. However, far from fixing me, it was the start of my life falling apart because of alcoholism. Today I am blessed with the continuing gift of sobriety… one day at a time. I want my story to help anyone who is suffering in the dark world of addiction to know that there is hope-that there is freedom.
I was also for many years in a co-dependent relationship. I was stuck in the cycle of breaking up and making up, always believing ‘things will be different this time’. To most people I probably seemed like a normal Mum. Behind closed doors however, I led a very different life. I was always full of fear. I wanted to escape the relationship but thought I could never survive without him. Because of my excessive drinking-and the self-loathing it caused, I always believed that I was the one in the wrong. I was constantly saying ‘sorry’. I believed that if I told anyone about what went on behind closed doors, I would have been disloyal to my partner. So I lived a lie. I buried the truth and carried on drinking, full of fear if I ever spoke about our ‘private stuff’. I craved to be the ‘perfect Mum’ and have the ‘perfect family’ always trying my upmost to fix the dysfunctional lifestyle I was leading. So, when I finally started my journey into recovery, I thought I could put everything right by getting married. This was a big mistake. I want my story to empower any woman who is feeling ‘trapped’ to make some brave decisions-that there is a life beyond abuse.
I had been five years sober on June 5th 2002. Two days later, on June 7th my eldest son Lee was murdered.
When he died I wanted to give up on life. There were many times I wanted to end it all and be with Lee. The only reason I decided to stay alive was my precious youngest son, Jack. I thank God every day for him. Without him I most definitely would never have had the will to live. My struggle to stay sober after Lee’s horrific death has been the biggest fights of my life. But my promise to Lee to stay sober has been my lifeline… and my faith in God has carried me through the most indescribable pain.